Judgement day

Eventually bad decisions catch up to you. In the moment it seems ok to order that scoop of ice cream. And then the next day to have another one, but this time to try the waffle cone cause you've never been to this place before and you need to try their waffle cone, especially since you drove all the way downtown to try their ice cream and you are already showing such restraint by not ordering the ice cream bouquet which would allow you to try 5 whole flavors in one cone.

Yeah, sure, maybe ordering the colorburst latte when you could have ordered a regular coffee was not the right choice. But it sure did look good on Instagram and your daughter thought it looked really cool.

I didn't exactly binge on fried food every day or eat a dozen donuts. I didn't even have a cupcake this week or use all of my bonus points. I ended with five whole points left over. This after having two glasses of wine and takeout Thai food for dinner on Sunday night.

But I still gained a pound. And I get it. Maybe I didn't make monumentally bad choices, but I did make incrementally bad ones. I certainly didn't make good ones.

I'd like to say because of this I decided to start the day right. To steer the ship back on course. But I was really hungry for lunch by 10:30am and I was right next to my favorite breakfast taco joint. So that was not a great way to get back on track, but I did it. Yep. I ate those tacos. Not my finest moment.

I ate the cake

I ate the cupcake - with its inch of strawberry frosting. I thought about only eating half, but then I thought - it's my birthday celebration too isn't it? I was the one who went through 36 hours of labor. I was the one who five years ago pushed for four hours to get that girl out into the world. For that, I deserve one whole strawberry cupcake to myself, even if that cupcake is 14 points.

And so I lost no weight this week. But the silver lining is I also didn't gain any. Seeing as I partook in cake twice this week - I will take that as a win.

slow and steady

All I want to eat is a giant bowl of ice cream. A sundae in a tall glass, the kind where you can see the hot fudge running down between all the layers and the whole thing is covered in nuts and whipped cream. I usually only order one if there are four of us eating it but this time I want the whole thing for myself. But I won't. Instead I gnaw on baby carrots because I lost another 2.5lbs this week.

It's hard to believe I lost any weight since I was still over my points and ate BBQ and key lime pie yesterday, but to my credit I did go over only half as much as I did last week so I guess that is an improvement.

They say that change is really not about big picture goals about about small habits every day. So that's what I am trying to do - stick to small habits and over time hope they add up to something. So far I have to say the theory works. But I still really want that sundae. 

New Journey....will try to make it farther this time around

It's been a while since I posted. I last claimed to be starting a yoga journey...but I must admit that fizzled almost before it even began. I mentally gave it a shot. I mean, I even packed my yoga mat in my suitcase when I went to NY. But reality set in pretty quickly. First off, when you are working 12 hour days and have a 2 hour commute on top of it it's hard to find time to do yoga. And then there is the fact that I have never been much of an exerciser.

I've always had an aversion to working out. Group sports, individual sports, physical activity hobbies...not really my thing. The only time I was really motivated to work out was back in college when I bought a bootleg copy of whatever exercise craze was all the rage and worked out obsessively - but mostly because I was in a new relationship and also motivated to make my ex realize what he was missing. You know, revenge fitness.

I have had some success when I change my diet. So I'm starting another journey. Weight Watchers. Signed up for the six months package. I'm paying for it whether I am committed or not, so might as well give it a shot. Will try to post once a week to keep myself honest.

Week 1: Maybe not the best week to start. I started on Monday, but had big plans for the end of the week - a 10-course anniversary meal at a restaurant known for its meats and a trip to Disneyland. I realized by Tuesday that the choices I was making, thinking that I could continue to follow my pregnancy gestational diabetes diet, were not going to work now that I wasn't eating for two. I blew through all by bonus points by Wednesday.

The problem with the numbers is they can have two effects. They can be super motivating or they can make you feel like it's impossible to win so why even try. By Thursday I was in the later camp. I ate my 10-courses with a side of gin and loved every bite. And then the next day I ate a foot long hotdog dipped in ketchup and covered in bacon bites with a side of fries and didn't even feel bad about it. By the end of the week I was negative 53 bonus points and couldn't have cared less. I chalked the week up to research - exploring what kind of points I would rack up on my usual diet. There is always next week, right?

Then the funny thing was - I lost 4lbs! It was definitely NOT because I made an effort. It made me realize that I had been eating even worse the two months I was in NY!

It's hard to diet and be in production. You have no control over when you get to sleep and eat. You have access to a snack table at all times and you sit around a lot. When I was pregnant and testing my blood every day I became acutely aware of how my blood sugar was effected just by not sleeping enough. I gained at least 6lbs in NY, so losing four is really just getting closer to a reset.

yoga 2, 3, 4

Day 2: The biggest challenge of doing a yoga challenge is turning out to be finding 15 minutes of peace when I can actually do it. My journey almost ended before it even began. 9pm on Day 2 and I still hadn’t done anything. In my defense the Oscars were pretty crazy the night before. How was a not supposed to spend my morning reading twitter reactions? I’m only human. As my household wound down and the kids and my husband all went to bed, I snuck out into the dark living room and made space between all the baby paraphenlia and did 15 minutes of moon salutations. They are supposed to help you sleep. I did drift into a peaceful slumber as advertised, but it was soon disturbed by a marathon of feedings throughout the night. I woke up more wrecked and grumpy than I have in weeks.

Day 3: Decided to try to fit a session in in the morning this time. My daughter wanted to do ‘gymnastics’ again, so I figured we’d finish the ‘yoga with youngsters’ session from the other day. It’s pretty impossible to do yoga with a 4 year old. My form was horrible as I contorted to look at the iPad screen as she jumped all around me.

Day4: Ok. New plan! I have determined that silence is a prerequisite to this challenge and I’ve pretty much lost any semblance of that since having kids. So I decided to drop the baby off early and come back home to fit a session in. 15 minutes of sun salutations all alone in the apartment. The only sounds were the very heavy breathing of the instructor and police sirens in the neighborhood. I feel energized and ready to take on the day. This could work.

Yoga Journey Begins

I’m the worse at working out. Like healthy things in general, doing it feels great and all but the will power to start is something I simply never have. Like how I love salads, but hate making them. I hate ordering them. I love eating them, but have to twist my own arm to do so.

But I’ve been feeling run down and generally awful lately, as one does six months after having a baby and a year since having a good night’s sleep. So I decided to try and do something about it. I am going to attempt to do yoga every day for 30 days. No one reads any of this, but I figured writing about it will make me accountable - even if only to myself.

Yesterday I woke up dehydrated and with eyes slightly crusted over from wearing too much eye makeup the night before and despite vigorous scrubbing, not getting it all off. I’d drank more than usual at the Spirit Awards - as I don’t have many moments where I get 12 hours away from the baby and an excuse to day drink. Started the day with a chocolate chip pancake breakfast - the breakfast of workout champions, right?

Procrastination set in and come 3pm I had still not done a yoga work out. But the Oscars were starting and I knew I wanted to be in front of that TV in my sweatpants by 5 so it was now or never.

I used to do Yogo Glo - so I thought I would give that a try again. I signed back up and set up my mat in my daughter’s room. She decided to join me. As you might expect, doing yoga with a 4 year old is not very efficient. At one point she was downward dogging under me (more of a dog pile up). Proper form went out the window. But we reviewed basic moves which is a good start. I found one video “yoga for youngsters” and we did the first half of that together. I had no idea she was interested in yoga. (Most kids are interested in contorting themselves so it’s not really that big of a surprise.) Now I feel like I should find a mommy and me yoga class - although I may be getting ahead of myself.

Day one - a 15 minute pose review and 15 minutes of kids yoga.

Mission accomplished. I celebrated with a burger and two glasses of champagne. Living the dream.

I really need to take a nap.

Two plastic cups of soapy bubble bath sit on the edge of the tub. Each represents a culinary delight created to dazzle. It’s the dessert round and both contestants have chosen to make cookies. Barbie’s frothy concoction was a hit with the judges. Now is the big reveal. Who will be going home? “Donald Trump – you’ve been chopped.”

I’m sitting on the bathroom floor flipping through a magazine when I hear this. I do a double take and my heart sinks a little.  I’ve obviously been watching too much Food Network but the part that really stings is Trump has infiltrated my daughter’s imagination. He’s now become one of the rotating characters in her pretend play repertoire.

If only he could be relegated to bath time baking competitions, sent back to the world of reality TV. It seems fitting that this is the fantasy my daughter has concocted because the hybrid of real and fake found in those “non-fiction” formats feels more and more like every day life. I’ve long stopped hoping it was all just an elaborate performance art piece of Shia LaBeouf or Joaquin Phoenix proportions. Like James Franco at the Oscars – we’re all Ann Hathaway being forced to pretend this is normal yet acutely aware that one person is trying to tear down our norms and crash the system. But the show must go on.

Like many people my brain is having a hard time reconciling all of this. It’s coupled with intense sleep deprivation. Partially that general slow creeping dread all of us are feeling, but also because I have a six month old who refuses to sleep. I wake up every morning looking less rested than I did the night before.

Reading the Washington Post and NY Times in the middle of the night, checking twitter to see what crazy thing our president has said at 3am is not helping of course. But somehow I can’t bring myself to go back to reading blogs about cute crafts you can make using washi tape. I am so far down the rabbit hole I have no idea how to get out.

I’ve been here before - the beginning of sleep training, when you don’t know if you are going to survive it. I just want someone else to tell me what to do. Which is what my whole life has turned into. Too tired to make my own decisions, just being led around by others. I feel that way at work, at home and the whole world feels at the mercy of childish petulance.

I really need to take a nap.